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I have two parenting philosophies that guide me as I raise my daughter.  One, I will do the best job i can and pay for therapy later for whatever I screw up.  Two, Its 0ur job, as her parents to set the bar for her.  How high (or low) we set the bar will determine how far she will go in life.   I believe in setting the bar pretty high for both myself and her.  I have learned from experience that one’s achievments match the amount of work one applies.  My daughter is named Darby.  It  means free spirit in Welsh.  And no, we arent Welsh.  That is what my husband and I wanted,  a free spirit.  We wanted a child who marched to the beat of her own drum, who was a leader not a follower and who was independent.  Talk about setting the bar high for yourself as a parent!  All those qualities that create a free spirit, a leader,a trend setter and an independent person are not always easy to nurture or manage in a child. 

A book that saved my life, my marriage and my relationship with my daughter is called “Raising your Sprited Child”.  It gave me so many tools and tips to manage my daughter’s personality and honestly, my own personality as well.  When you are in a store with a child who is mid temper tantrum and you realize you are looking in a mirror thats a sobering day.   But to quote an old therapist of mine “to be forewarned is to be forearmed.”  Darby gets car sick but a full stomach helps alleviate it so we always travel with snacks, gum and drinks.  She has trouble transitioning from one event to the next and frankly so do I.  We dont just do a 10 minute warning before its time to leave somewhere.  We do a 20 minute warning then a 15 minute warning then 10 and so on until its one minute.  It helps both of us transition out of one place and on to the next place.  Maybe she’s so tired of me interrupting her she is glad to go I dont know but it works. 

Setting the bar applies to her behavior as well.  When we are heading to a party or get together I will say to her your behavior now determines whether we come back or get invited back.  And she knows I mean it.  If someplace is too difficult to visit; she doesnt behave properlyor  listen well she knows it won’t happen again.  She is an only child so that is easier to put into practice.   She also knows we will do anything for her.  This year she took an interest in acting in local plays.  She really did quite a good job acting so I have signed her up for  a theatre workshop this summer.  I dont know if it will go any farther than that but its money well spent as far as we are concerned.  Encouraging your child to be all they can be is important but showing them how to get there and giving them the tools is paramount to the success. 

Set the bar, provide the tools , know yourself and your child and you and they can fly over that bar and hit the stars!

I have been thinking a lot about respect lately.  My husband and I had “words” about an issue relating to respect a few nights ago.  We were having dinner with our daughter, as we do every night.  Dinner at our house is important.  In my husband’s childhood, dinner was eaten while watching TV.  The whole family sitting around the table glued to the TV.  No conversations or sharing of news just mindless viewing of someone else’s made up life.  We dont (usually) watch dinner while we eat.  That is something special saved for the weekend.  Instead we share our days and have discussions about current events.  Tuesday night my husband had brought his blackberry to the table  to look something up that he and our daughter were disussing and he received a work email.  And he answered it.  Darby, our daughter made her disapproval known as did I and he blew us off with the “Its work, about tomorrow.  Gotta take care of it.”  Later I tried talking to him about it and he blew me off even more angrily then before.  I thought about it all the next day and told him when he got home from his business trip that if he couldnt disconnect from his job for 30 minutes while we ate dinner then i was not going to go to the trouble and time of making family dinner.  To which he said OK.  And that was end of the discussion.  I was pretty upset.  No more family dinner?  The more I thought about it the less it became about family dinner and the more it became about respect.  Darby and I feel less than when he inserts work into our time with him.   I broached the subject again this morning.  But this time I went at it from the point of view of respect.  I didnt feel he respected our feelings.  I even went so far as to say “We’re bummed when work interferes with our time with you.  Would you prefer we not care whether you are here or not?”  In the end, ironically, he had been short with me because he felt he didnt do it a lot and i wasnt giving him any credit for that.  When I pointed out he actually does do it a lot and reacts angrily when we verbalize our dislike of the interference we had a very productive conversation.  Our conversaton of course revolved around communicaiton.  I think good communication is the key to respect.  We communicated well and we could then respect our mutual positions and will continue a version of family dinner.

Sometimes when I feel disrespected I react angrily or sarcastically which inhibits good communication.  Of course I am feeling angry because in reality I am questioning the validity of my own feelings of respect.  I respected my own and my daughter’s feelings but went into the discussion with the intent of respecting my husband’s feelings about his job as well.  Respecting yourself means standing up for yourself but not at the expense of trodding on someone else’s respect.

I have been continually moving outside my comfort zone for the past few years.  Through my life as a Mom and my life as a creative being I have tried to grow even when it was uncomfortable.   As a Mom that involves giving my 10 year old daughter the privelage of walking part of the way home from school by herself.  We live in suburbia and everyone is bussed or driven to school.  I hear all the time “Oh you’re the  folks who walk to school.”  Such a novelty even though we only live a 1/4 mile from the school.  Even that little decision, filling out the paperwork for her to NOT ride the school bus but instead be a walker was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I was doing something different which can feel uncomfortable.  But I walk my dogs everyday rain, snow or sleet so the idea of walking was not unusual.  And from the beginning it was a good decision.  We talk and establish a better relationship with that extra time together and she has learned time management skills as well.  I don’t think I have started a walking trend at our elementary school but that was never the point.  The point was to do something important to me/us; exercise and teaching independence.

On the creative side I went outside my comfort zone when I decided to write a novel.  I had written short stories and always felt i didnt have it in me to write a whole novel.  I read a book on writing by Stephen King called “On Writing” and he said the beginning writer should write a 1000 words a day.  That gave me a daily goal; an attainable goal and I took the novel writing one day at a time.  and now I have a 80,000 word novel and I am going out of my creative zone repeatedly trying to find an agent for it.  Oh sure, you’re thinking ‘I go out of mycomfort zone once and then look what happens. i have to just keep doing it over and over again!’   But what Ihave found is it gets easier and easier each time.  I dont even think of the replies from agents as rejections.  they are just not interested; not the right fit.  I am a reader.  I love to read but I don’t love everything and so I understand finding the right agent takes time.  Besides they are usually really nice! 

Going out of your comfort zone can be scary but it can also be liberating and exciting and frankly addicting!  So, if there is something you have wanted to try but felt it was outside your comfort zone I say Go For it!  You won’t regret it!

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when the debate rages, fueled by the right wing conservatives, that “they” are taking away your right to celebrate Christmas. Well, I suppose many on the right would say I’m one of “them” since I have been labeled a liberal by some in the conservative arena. So here is what I say to you: If you want to say Merry Christmas to every one you meet from Thanksgiving to Christmas please do. Say it gaily and with a big smile. Say it to me when I say Happy Holidays to you. I love exchanging greetings with people when I am out and about or selling to my customers. But please Please dont attach any other meaning to my saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Don’t think I’m super “PC” or an atheist and definately dont think I let anyone else tell me what to say. I say Happy Holidays because I want to share my good feelings about the holiday season with others and I don’t want to exclude anyone. I count my blessings often during the holiday season and one of my blessings is a myriad of friends. A colection of friends who don’t all share my faith. I also sell my handwovens to a myriad of people and don’t want to exclude anyone with my greeting.
So, this year, pick your holiday greeting and sing it out loud and clear. Sing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs, if you desire. Lord knows we need a lot of cheer these days. But please don’t judge someone else for their choices, dont let someones tell you what someone else is thinking and dont DONT let anyone else tell you what to think! We live in a big world with a lot of different people who have different faiths.

I worked a show this weekend where I met the most fascinating person. He makes leather handbags. You can buy, from this guy a made in america leather handbag that he sewed in his upstate NY studio. The leather is purchased from a tannery right there in his town. For me, the story gets even better. This man’s father owned a leather coat factory in the same town. And my leather handbag making friend ran the factory with his Dad until China came into the picture and his customers could get cheaper coats from overseas. He got out of the factory business and moved his operations home, where he has been making leather handbags for thirty years. He has a loyal following. One woman came up and “complained” he made his bags too well and hers wouldnt wear out so she could get a new one! But meeting and getting to know this person over 2 days of a very slow show got me to thinking. What happened to the mantra “Buy American”? I lived in Bethlehem PA; home of Bethlehem Steel. Buying a foreign car was akin to treason in that town. When I did buy a new car; a Subaru I was asked repeatedly why I didnt buy American. I had done my research and no American car manufacutors were making 4wd cars with the same features for the same price. American car makers caught on and now there is much more choice. But take the leather handbag market for example. You could have gone to the Shaker Craft fair (an unfortunate name, by the way, there were plenty of artists there and hopefully the name will be changed to artisan and craft fair but i digress) this weekend and purchases a stylish, well made leather handbag made in america for under $35.00 or you could go to a big name leather retailer who’s bags are apparently not made in American anymore and spend at least 2 1/2 times that much. Granted you will get a bag that has a name most everyone recognizes and many covet or you could get a bag that keeps not one but two local businesses in business and be guaranteed you won’t need another bag for well basically until you want another bag. If you do purchase a leather handbag from that leather retailer not one single person will ask why you didnt buy American. And yet you would be keeping not one but two local businesses in business.
I live in New York state which has a long and rich agricultural history. If everyone who wanted to farm were given the opportunity I think we could feed and clothe ourselves not only from American made good but from NY state made products. I know I know. I am such an idealist! The next time you drive by a new house going up on what used to be farmland ask yourself. “What did I do to keep that farmland active?” Did you shop at your local farm market before you did your grocery shopping at the big chain? Did you buy your last presents from a local artisan or at the mall or big box store? When you fix your family a meal is the food grown in this country or is it grown in countries with different safety standards than ours?
We, the american consumer has an enormous amount of power and control of our economy and our community. Do you wield your power or acquiesce to the usual?

In weaving, do overs are accomplished easily. If you make a mistake threading or don’t like the colors you can simply undo what you have threaded and rethread or try another color. But in life, do overs are rarely that easy. Sometimes we say things we regret. And the chance to get a do over depends on the person who had to listen to us. Sometimes we dont get a chance for a do over. Like they say you only get one chance to make a first impression. What do you do when you want a do over and can’t get it? When I make a big time consuming mistake on a weaving project I stare at the mistake and will it away. Soon, though i realize the problem is there to stay. So i square my shoulders and set to work. I “do over” the threading and fix the problem. It takes time and patience but eventually its done and over with and I move on to the weaving. I guess when a do over in life is not an option, no matter how much we want it, we just have to square our shoulders and keep on keeping on. I’ll weave the mistakes I’ve made into the fabric of my life and dance on. and wonder, what if i could get a do over?

We went camping this weekend and it was quite wonderful! OK I am 41 years old and really done with tent camping and sleeping on the ground and walking to the bathroom at 5am BUT for $20.00 a nite we were waterfront on a beautiful lake in the Adirondacks. And with the money we saved on accomadations we treated ourselves to lunch out in the charming town of Saranac Lake. And what a lunch it was! Morgans 11 its called and its right on the Main street in the “business district”. It doesnt look like much from the outside and while the wood fired pizza oven is beautiful and the counter/bar you can sit at and watch him make your pizza is cool the interior isnt overwhelming. But thats good when you’re camping because we choose a kayak ride over a shower and shorts were the uniform for the weekend. there is a little deck out back; which is where we sat. And perused the menu. There were some very yummy sounding appeteasers as they called them. No wings which are the obligatory upstate NY appetizer so that was a nice change. An interesting sounding shrimp starter caught my husband’s eye but i had my mind set on the artichoke prosciutt graten. Artichoke hearts wrapped in prosciutto in a lite cream sauce was the description. I love artichokes and i love cream sauce so i was set with my entree. Since I am watching my calories and my fat intake I opted for a house salad to start with a house made honey chipotle dressing. My husband had a harder time with his entree. Torn between the corned beef sandwich and the hamburger with smoked gouda and bacon he turned to me for advice. Since he loves smoked gouda it seemed like a no brainer to me. He chose the house salad as well. Since we were camping you gotta get greens when you can. Our daughter chose the pepperoni pizza and the italian sausage soup to start. Soup has become a good way for her to expand her taste buds without breaking the bank. and its a little healthier than our usual order of chicken wings. The salads came and i was immediately impressed. It was a nice assortment of fresh salad greens and the dressing was delicious. The honey chipotle was spicy but not overly so. My daughter’s soup was amazing. Thick and tomatoey with big chunks of sausage it reminded my husband of a creamy pasta sauce. Then she set down some homemade garlic bread with some roasted garlic butter/oil to dunk it in. the roasted garlic was so good we were soon fighting for the melty roasted pieces of goodness to spread on our hunks of bread. The rest of our dishes came and I was swooning at first bite. Six artichoke heart halves wrapped with a small piece of prosciutte nestled in a bed of the most delicous cream sauce. There were toasted baguette slices to go with the artichokes. I savored every bite. My husband’s burger was excellent but the real surprise were the pub fries served alongside. they were slices of potato that initially he was bummed about since he isnt a steak fry fan. then he bit into it. He and our daughter raved. Something between a hash brown and french fry was their best description. We followed up with 2 desserts; the triple chocolate cheesecake and the irish bash and they were both delicous. the waitress even put 3 cherries on each serving cuz she knew we were sharing! If you get up to the Saranac Lake area try camping at Rollins Pond state campground and with the money you save enjoy a fantastic meal at Morgans 11.

Today I told my 9 year old daughter that next year, in 4th grade she could walk part of the way to school. We live 1/4 mile from her elementary school and most mornings we walk to and from school. I won’t walk when its bitter cold or raining but try to do it most days. It’s been a lot of fun and a special time for me to get to know her a little more. And as a bonus we have gotten to know some of the folks in our neighborhood. There is the super nice guy who has grandchildren around my daughter’s age. A few days ago my daughter tried to express just how nice she thought he was..basically she thinks of him as a step grandpa just cuz he is so nice! She only has one grandpa left and he doesnt do much but watch TV and complain so this wasnt as much of a jump as one would think. I think what she was trying to say was “I wish I had a grandpa that nice and fun.” And then there is Oscer and Yogi; two fabulous dogs who live in a house on our walk. Their mom is pretty super nice too. My daughter goes right up and rings the doorbell in the afternoon if Oscer and Yogi arent out. This woman loves it. Just another super nice person we have met on our walks to and from school. But now, now my daughter is pushing for more independence. I just read a review of a speech the author, Richard Louv who wrote ‘Last Child in the Woods’. Basically he said folks can blame all the electronic games etc on kids not getting outside but the key is getting the parents outside and letting their kids outside to play. He said that its never going to go back to the way it was when we were young. You know, leaving home in the morning and not coming back until dinnertime. Kids just playing with other kids outside all day. Not going to happen he said because moms today cite safety concerns as the top reason they wont let their children outside unattended. So…I thought about that for awhile because i definately have those concerns. I personally know a number of people who were sexually assaulted as children. Of course they were all molested by close family friends or family members so I also know the odds are slim my child will be molested by a stranger walking to school. And she is tall and pretty assertive for her age so she isnt the type of kid a predator would choose to snatch. Actually my biggest fear is she will get hit by a car. Lot of folks out there not paying to their driving even while they are driving past a school. And I wont even mention how many of them are parents dropping their kids off AT school! So, i have devised a way to slowly get us into a new pattern of walking to school that will get my daughter more independent without totally stressing me out. I will walk her most of the way and then let her walk the final part by herself. Of course she will not be out of my sight. Same thing on the walk home. She will meet me at the same spot we parted in the morning. Then in 5th grade I will let her walk to and from school by herself. But that’s another year away and I dont have to think about that now. :)

So I have been working at a local museum for the past 2 weeks. They run a field trip called Sheep to Shawl and I run the weaving station. Its a lot of fun and neat to introduce kids to weaving. Something i noticed this year has me pretty bummed though. the past years nearly every teacher would have their kids say thank you before they left and moved onto the next station. this year maybe two or three teachers had their students say thank you. At the same time, its been hard to tell who is the teacher in the room if there is more than 3 parent chaperones! And its not because the parents are taking charge either! I would love to say its because the teachers are getting younger or older or male or female but I think its something else entirely. A lack of empathy and consideration for others is running rampant throughout our society. OK that was quite a jump; they dont say thank you and now society is running amok. but the kids do a lot of pushing and shoving and their teachers arent teaching the tools to resolve the issues. “I cant see” was a common theme the past 2 weeks. Now it would seem to me that if I had a roomful of kindergarteners or 1st graders I would have already taught them that the tall kids go in back and the shorter ones go in front when we gather around something. I mean DUH! nope these kids are forced to push and shove their way to sight range and i know cuz i got pushed by a few of these little darlings. of course its not just the teachers fault…going back to that loss of empathy train of thought…My husband, daughter and i were up at an outdoor expo in Saratoga recently and we were waiting in line for her to have a turn in the kayak pool. And this Dad pushes his son in front of my daughter so he snags the last life vest available that turn and then pushes him in front of all the kids waiting to enter the pool so he’s first. THEN the Dad turns around and high fives his wife. I didnt say anything because seriously what do you say to someone that ignorant and so full of himself that he and his family is more important than anyone else? Dont worry i have advocated for my daughter plenty of times…i just pick my battles and this wasnt worth my time or aggravation. He wasnt going to get it. So, long and short of it.. there’s a lot of pushing and shoving going on out there among both the young and old. try and make sure you’re not doing the pushing and shoving and if you do see it happen turn it in to a lesson. tall folks in back and short ones in front THen EVERYONE sees! We’re all in this together and its way more fun if we’re nice to each other!

The weekend is almost here! there is added anticipation because my husband is taking our daughter to visit his parents. A whole weekend to myself; what a treat. One of my favorite bands is playing Saturday night. A good time should be had by all who are there! Hopefully I will get to see an old friend or two as well. That is one of the hard parts of being a parent. You have to squeeze your fun in on the time you are given not when it works for everyone. But then i know a lot of moms who rarely get any time to themselves. Their husbands think being a mom is 24/7 and being a Dad is going to work 5 days a week. Of course if you dont stand up for yourself i suppose ultimately the only person to blame is yourself. My husband just told me about an old girlfriend of his who’s married and has kids. Her husband has been out of work for a year but their kids are still in day care. She works full time. I just dont understand that. Why should they be paying for daycare when he’s home? A Dad is just as capable of caring for children as Mom. He will do it differently no doubt but that’s OK. I am just a big believer in Mom’s getting their time to themselves. Its like a mission for me. I love planning girls’ nites out. There is plenty of equal time for my husband to go out too. I have been known to schedule golf outings for him and even beg him to go out with his friends. Generally this happens when all he has talked about all week is work! BORING! This weekend will not be boring that’s for sure! a little riding; training for the tour de cure, a little dancing and a lot of me time!!!