What does that mean exactly?  It means that I finally stopped saying ” I hate my life” and started asking myself what did i want my life to look  like.  If I didn’t like “this” then what did I want instead?  I started priortizing my time.  I run my own business; Color My Loom.  I weave yarn into fabric and turn the fabric into clothes and accessories.  I have a studio and its my favorite place to be, except when it’s not where I want to be.  Luckily I work for me so I get to decide when I’m there.  It’s kind of cool to set your own hours but you also have to be diligent about going to work.  I work from 9am to 11:15 then I exercise.  That usuallly means walking our two dogs.  If its warm enough then I alternate riding my bike with walking.  And sometimes when i have been a good worker I take a “treat myself right day”.  This is a wonderful idea taught to me by my friend Rich.  A treat yourself right day is where you spend the day during all your favorite stuff.  And frankly i feel the need for a treat myself right day and soon!  oh yes but back to my day… after exercising I eat lunch,  then I do a few things around the house then it’s back to the studio from 1-3.  At 3 my daughter gets home from school.  Then the work day is over and its time for my first and foremost job of mom and housewife.  I like having a schedule because it keeps me focused and I get done what I need to get done. It also means I can’t complain that I hate my life since, aha, I created my schedule so my life would have all the components I wanted.    That said, I still need to listen to myself..  And recognize the need for treat yourself right days! I think I’ll schedule one in for Tueday!

So, take a look at your life.  What do you like and what isn’t working for you?  Some things, like a job that pays the bills can’t be changed over nite neither can a marriage.  But by taking ownership of your life and  changing what doesn’t nourish you it won’t be long before you’ll be saying I love my life!

Different though, is not that great on the roads; I live in a place with drivers from all over the east coast and it can make driving harrowing.  The natives want to go really fast on the two lane roads but on the highway going fast is 70 mph and they do that in the left lane.  Then the city folk aren’t used to the backcounty lanes and maintain speed limits but once they get on the highway their speed rockets up 80 mph and that left lane becomes a rough ride.  Having lived in the suburbs of Boston and the mountains of NH I’ve driven it all and now just get out of the way of everyone.  But I think that brings me back to my question.  How do I make the world a better place?  I don’t rant and rave on the  highway (anymore anyways. my daughter hates it when i swear at other drivers!).  The other drivers all think they’re right and in their old world they were right but here and now driving with empathy would be the right thing to do, along with not constantly running late, hanging up the phone and eating lunch at a table not your steering wheel.  Driving with empathy and thought would make the world a better place. 

But how else can we make the world a better place?  I just drove 16 miles yesterday to get my vegetables from a farmers market.  Eating locally, especially when I live in such an agriculturally historically area is important to me.  And I did combine that trip with other stops so i guess it all worked out but when you are trying to be environmentally conscious (which i think makes the world a better place in a lot of ways) driving 16 miles to buy some vegetables is a bitter pill to swallow.  Luckily, there’s a closer farmers market than the one we went to yesterday.  Eating tasty food grown close to home makes my world a better place.

One of the things this article did discuss was Americans living beyond their means.  I think since I regularly have a credit cards bill to pay off every month that means me.  I pay it off every month so that’s better than some but i have very little in savings which is bad.  Yesterday though, we paid cash for everything.  Even lunch was budgeted.  No wine, appetizer and no dessert so my waistline and my savings account thank me but my tastebuds would have enjoyed that calamari!  Deferring gratification is going to make my world a better place if not as tasty. 

Living with intention.  Its one of those phrases that makes some folks roll their eyes and others repeat it without really understanding the thought.  But I think living with intention means having some idea as to what values your life should embrace.  And embracing those values more often than not.  I want to charge less ie  stop living beyond my means, but the $40 gift card I charged to donate to the family my daughter’s elementary school adopted meant helping those less fortunate than us which ultimately is  my larger intention.  A trade off or a rationalization but one that won’t hurt when I pay my credit card bill.  I’ll continue going to the farmers market and shopping locally because I think that makes my world a better place.  I’ll drive with consideration to others around me which will make my daughter happiest.  I’ll stick to my budget and watch my savings account grow.  Most of all, I’ll think about how my actions affect other people.   I think that will make the world a better place.

Most people I meet today are not good at setting boundaries.   From saying “no” to a mother in law or parent, to calling people out on inappropriate words or actions, I hear a lot of sad, life diminishing stories. When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do or that doesn’t fit into your life  what do you do?  Do you, like most people, cave in at the first scent of confrontation?  Telling a parent or in law “no, we aren’t going to do xyz”  is pretty big stuff. Maybe it helped me that I am the youngest in my family and when my adult siblings said no to our parents I learned my parents didn’t melt or explode.  My parents are/were respectful of their adult childrens’ responsblities.  How many times have you had to choose between the needs and wants of your partner and the wants of  your parents?  And completely lost in the shuffle is your wants and needs.  As  parents we are told that to be the best parent we must take care of ourselves first.  A person who has completely depleted their energy bank by bowing to other’s needs and wants is not going to be able to parent patiently or effectively.  The same is true when someone pushes against your boundaries and you don’t push back.  We want to please people and we dont want to argue and disagree especially with family and friends.  The misconception comees when people think saying “no” is akin to starting a fight.  Look at your life.  What parts do you like?  Where have you let other people decide what your life should look like?  When someone says or does something you don’t like what do you do?  Do you go along?  Do you bury your resentment and put on a happy face for the sake of “family harmony?”  Next time gather your courage and be honest with them.  Your life will thank you for it.  Trust me.

A book that saved my life, my marriage and my relationship with my daughter is called “Raising your Sprited Child”.  It gave me so many tools and tips to manage my daughter’s personality and honestly, my own personality as well.  When you are in a store with a child who is mid temper tantrum and you realize you are looking in a mirror thats a sobering day.   But to quote an old therapist of mine “to be forewarned is to be forearmed.”  Darby gets car sick but a full stomach helps alleviate it so we always travel with snacks, gum and drinks.  She has trouble transitioning from one event to the next and frankly so do I.  We dont just do a 10 minute warning before its time to leave somewhere.  We do a 20 minute warning then a 15 minute warning then 10 and so on until its one minute.  It helps both of us transition out of one place and on to the next place.  Maybe she’s so tired of me interrupting her she is glad to go I dont know but it works. 

Setting the bar applies to her behavior as well.  When we are heading to a party or get together I will say to her your behavior now determines whether we come back or get invited back.  And she knows I mean it.  If someplace is too difficult to visit; she doesnt behave properlyor  listen well she knows it won’t happen again.  She is an only child so that is easier to put into practice.   She also knows we will do anything for her.  This year she took an interest in acting in local plays.  She really did quite a good job acting so I have signed her up for  a theatre workshop this summer.  I dont know if it will go any farther than that but its money well spent as far as we are concerned.  Encouraging your child to be all they can be is important but showing them how to get there and giving them the tools is paramount to the success. 

Set the bar, provide the tools , know yourself and your child and you and they can fly over that bar and hit the stars!

Sometimes when I feel disrespected I react angrily or sarcastically which inhibits good communication.  Of course I am feeling angry because in reality I am questioning the validity of my own feelings of respect.  I respected my own and my daughter’s feelings but went into the discussion with the intent of respecting my husband’s feelings about his job as well.  Respecting yourself means standing up for yourself but not at the expense of trodding on someone else’s respect.

On the creative side I went outside my comfort zone when I decided to write a novel.  I had written short stories and always felt i didnt have it in me to write a whole novel.  I read a book on writing by Stephen King called “On Writing” and he said the beginning writer should write a 1000 words a day.  That gave me a daily goal; an attainable goal and I took the novel writing one day at a time.  and now I have a 80,000 word novel and I am going out of my creative zone repeatedly trying to find an agent for it.  Oh sure, you’re thinking ‘I go out of mycomfort zone once and then look what happens. i have to just keep doing it over and over again!’   But what Ihave found is it gets easier and easier each time.  I dont even think of the replies from agents as rejections.  they are just not interested; not the right fit.  I am a reader.  I love to read but I don’t love everything and so I understand finding the right agent takes time.  Besides they are usually really nice! 

Going out of your comfort zone can be scary but it can also be liberating and exciting and frankly addicting!  So, if there is something you have wanted to try but felt it was outside your comfort zone I say Go For it!  You won’t regret it!